Personal Journey #1: The Feeling of Self-Deficiency

An Epilogue

One of my life resolutions is starting to write about my life; talking about life principle, personal development, the value of a relationship, parenting, religion, society, education, and other things that haunt my mind. The main reason is simply that I think about it a lot, and most of the time, I just save it for myself and a few people. For now, I hope to regularly write about things that I am wondering about. I am not the best at writing and I do not have to be the best to write it, right? Here, I do not have the concern neither to teach anyone, ask for sympathy, nor brag about anything. My only expectation on writing this, is that at least it can be meaningful for me personally at least and for everyone who reads this blog, hopefully.

Do not feel good enough about yourself? Feeling left behind? Toxic thinking?

Reaching twenty years old is the scariest thing in my life. Not scary in a literal way, yet because of the perception that there is an escalating responsibility that I have as a person. I am increasingly thinking about what I want to do in my life and what is more meaningful to me personally. As many of us, I believe, are being drawn to what society commands us to do, as there is something that society values and not, praises, and prohibits. Yet it is, in the age of constant onrushing waves from here and there, it is easy to be confused to value what we really value. Sometimes, we are paralyzed and start to chase things that we thought we will be happy once we have it. We start to be someone that society values, not becoming the one that we really value as who we are. Here, I would express my thoughts about being competitive as the trending value of the modern century we are living in; becoming more than the others.

One of my major issue in my personal development is to accept ‘the notion that I am not the best' or 'I do not really care that I should be the best among others’. Why? Because becoming the best is deeply entrenched below my consciousness as it is integral to my personal journey to be more recognized by the others. I remember, that, when I was an elementary and junior high school student, I was the center of bullying. The moment in which people started to recognize my presence and cease to insult me occurred when I gradually achieved something, at least by becoming the first rank in my class. At least, I got the respect, even if, I did not make it as a parameter of happiness.

Later on, when one to another accomplishment is achieved, there is a preconception that I always want to be number one and I am inclined to value myself by it. I value myself based on what I achieve, not as an entire person, not as who I am. I think that this sub-consciousness is nurtured because I feel growing recognition from people around me once I achieve more. I am not an attention-seeker, but it does not mean that I do not want to be recognized or appreciated by the others, I think that somehow it is a human nature.

Continuing to my college life, my first year of university is a little bit unexpected in a positive way. Because I do not expect myself to wine some awards. These awards and the narrative of being an achiever tends to construct how I value myself. However, entering the second and third year, I start to realize that there are so many achieving people around me. The problem is, I constantly and unconsciously compare myself to them and others, even if I do not know who they are or even if we exactly on a different spectrum of fields, like sports or arts. Sometimes, I feel left behind and not progressive enough.

More hazardously is that I often view myself only at two extreme spectrums, either I view myself a junk or I feel like a superstar, both are made because we tend to compare ourselves in a ranking system. Since I always seek for ‘a better me’, I realize that maybe ‘I do not want to accept the fact that the others are better than I am’ and I discuss it with some of my closest friends. I think this recognition happens because, first, I realize that I am not enthusiastic to read the success story of others because it just makes me feel bad about myself because I may think I have not done my best even if I do so. I realize that there is an ego to be respected. Second, I also feel that I personalize the success of my friends to say that I am not good enough or what I have done is nothing compared to them. This makes me feel insecure and anxious while I am afraid of losing and failing. And if I fail, this will directly translate into a thinking ‘people will undervalue you’. This is a toxic thinking, surely it is.

The Four Mantras

I realize that having the right mindset of we view our life is the key, thanks to Buddha teachings! ‘Right understanding of life’ is very salient, as the true world is in our head: the internal world; how we see things are completely changed by changing our perspective. I say to myself that the key to growing is ‘to learn from everyone’. I am learning that everyone has a good side and it is important to reinvest our minds in this modern life that being good is not always measured by what we have achieved, truly, it is not. Sometimes, we find great people once we talk to them and realize more than what is apparent. Being best version is defined by the entire me! Yes, that’s the full picture of me! Not becoming a jerk and respect the others, help my friends when they need me, and others super simple stuff that underrated in this modern life (such as to sympathize). So, learn from the others is surely the journey to be a better version of ourselves. While on another side, I am trying to detach from people's opinion about me, instead of, focusing on how I see myself as a person, that I think that is not fair to view myself solely based on what written on a report, certificates, or salary slip (soon), and neglecting important things, such as personal trait and value.

The second most powerful mantra is by ‘integrating ourselves into other happiness and success’ stories’. I am learning to be happy if I hear people’ success stories and not personalize it as if I am not good. If I do not feel really happy about it, I do not want to pretend in front of them that I am happy, but I speak to myself that “Yes, he is good! He is surely good, I should learn from his resilience and persistence, he is diligent, and you should learn from him?” Or when I know that a person outstandingly leads a project “Wow, she is super cool, I should be braver another time to try? And the internal conversation goes endlessly.

Here, if genuinely feel happy about others’ success, I would celebrate and express it directly by saying ‘congratulations!’ as if it is my own success. I am trying to be as genuine as possible as if it is my success. I also realize when I mentor a person and he/she succeed, maybe I do not get the spotlight, because no one knows that I have helped him/her, maybe he/she will ditch you and forget it forever, but who cares! I genuinely happen that my effort to help her is paid off. And from this, I learn that not every achievement should be celebrated by making people know it. Surely, there is nothing wrong with it. But I view that there is a difference by not doing it! When we crave for people attention, the driver of improvement is ‘people’ not ‘me’, so we just focus on things that appear apparent from people’s judgment and sights: beauty, position, grade, and job so that people will say ‘you have a good life’ and we will feel that we have a good life, based on people’s judgment. Our life is being driven by people's opinion, their standard of success and set of values. But if the focus is 'me', we focus on things that we value the most, no matter if people value it or not as well as not know it or not, we still will be happy and satisfied. For example, if we say something nice to our parent, that we really love them, we do not have to say it in Facebook, just say it, and let the flow of happiness is coming. Many accomplishments in our daily basis are absent of people’s judgment: being honest, for example. Maybe if we cheat or lie, no one will know. But we surely know it, and striving to be honest and genuine means centered on ‘me’ not ‘people’. I think why it is important to be honest with ourself, regardless of the others, and less focusing on people opinions about ourself.

Third, is the fact that ‘If everyone better than you, it means the world is becoming a better place’. Imagine, if everyone is becoming nicer that I am, if everyone is becoming more impactful that I am, if everyone is becoming smarter than I am, if everyone is more handsome than I am (surely it is), it means the world is surrounded by great people and it is a big wow, because the world is progressing! And surrounded by great people feels good. So why I need to be afraid if people progress more than I am! In the end, we look from the big picture that the world is getting better and that’s what matters!

Last, I think this is the strong mantra as well, to say ‘be patient, being great takes time, take a breath, you are great and you can be even more beautiful! No instant cut (unless Indomie, Indonesia famous instant noodle), and it takes time to progress. So, the lesson is: ‘I do not have to be satisfied once I achieve something, I should be satisfied with every effort, suffering, and struggle that I have to deal with and face to be the better me!’ This makes the journey is becoming more enjoyable!